VP Fails for the First Time

3/31/2005

I really wanted this journal to be a happy book, or that every entry would talk about how happy I am, but this [is] me, and my life, good and bad.  I screw up many times and every time I do, I hate myself and figure I am better off dead. I had figured that being with the girl I loved would change that... Perhaps it has, but I still mess up. Less frequently? Perhaps. Less intentionally? Perhaps, but I'm still a bad person with much about myself that needs to be forgiven. For years now, I have been plagued by my "illness." It is the only thing that brings me down on a consistent basis, but I'm still sick, twisted, and perverted... I say that I am happy but I never know if that's truly how I feel. Maybe if I wasn't so down, all the time, being happy would actually be "being happy."

But I do love PV a whole lot. We continue to talk for hours on the phone and every conversation is just so much fun. I always thought it would be work to keep a girlfriend... to call them, to buy them gifts... but I find this relationship to be the opposite of work. When I want to procrastinate, I call PV. When I feel really sad, I call PV. When I feel really happy, I call PV. When I want to talk to PV, I call PV. Though it is a love based in the love I have for God---I would die for God before I die for PV---I feel a strong connection between the two of us that is more real than any love I have experienced before. When I speak of true love for the rest of my life, I will use our love as an example. There is no trying, testing, we don't have to talk, or fight, because we know the other person will love them always, and I do, I love PV very much.

***

Do not be ashamed to discover in your heart the fomes peccati---the inclination to evil, which will be with you as long as you live, for noody is free from this burden.

Do not be ashamed, for the all-powerful and merciful Lord has given us all the means we need for overcoming this inclination: the Sacraments, a life of piety, and sanctified work.

Persevere in using these means, ever ready to begin again and again without getting discouraged.

St. Josemaria Escriva, The Forge, 119