It is curious, I suppose, the way I act so contrary to my deepest wishes and desires. Is it true that I really don't have control or is that just an excuse? If I want to stop, could I stop? Is hating myself enough to bring an end to all this? I take no pleasure in the act only that I am freed from temptation. No longer do I have to suffer through these torments of the mind, instead, I can think about what an evil thing I've done and move on.
I am going to tell PV, soon enough, so that I won't have to go it alone. Every other person I've told has in some way shrugged me off, claiming that my actions are normal, but I know better, and I know that PV knows better too. She constantly tells me that she loves me, so I am not afraid, just embarassed to confess a part of myself that has brought so much pain and suffering.
Another thing, I have been questioning the meaning of love. For example, I may feel upset about something, but I know that I love PV so much, and she loves me. However, is love the answer, or just a distraction? Are there things about myself and life that I should be worried about or is love the only thing that matters? Everything is just so confusing and I hope once I can clear my head of my evil acts, everything will be all right again. I love you, PV, as I always have, and I love God though I have much to be sorry for. Forgive me as I seek to improve and grow in faith and love.
***
Ask Jesus to grant you a Love like a purifying furnace, where your poor flesh--your poor heart--may be consumed and cleansed of all earthly miseries. Pray that it may be emptied of self and filled with him. Ask him to grant you a deep-seated aversion to all that is worldly so that you may be sustained only by love.
St. Josemaria Escriva, Furrow, 814
No comments:
Post a Comment