Contradictions in Myself

5/10/2005

It is curious, I suppose, the way I act so contrary to my deepest wishes and desires. Is it true that I really don't have control or is that just an excuse? If I want to stop, could I stop? Is hating myself enough to bring an end to all this? I take no pleasure in the act only that I am freed from temptation. No longer do I have to suffer through these torments of the mind, instead, I can think about what an evil thing I've done and move on.

I am going to tell PV, soon enough, so that I won't have to go it alone. Every other person I've told has in some way shrugged me off, claiming that my actions are normal, but I know better, and I know that PV knows better too. She constantly tells me that she loves me, so I am not afraid, just embarassed to confess a part of myself that has brought so much pain and suffering.

Another thing, I have been questioning the meaning of love. For example, I may feel upset about something, but I know that I love PV so much, and she loves me.  However, is love the answer, or just a distraction?  Are there things about myself and life that I should be worried about or is love the only thing that matters? Everything is just so confusing and I hope once I can clear my head of my evil acts, everything will be all right again. I love you, PV, as I always have, and I love God though I have much to be sorry for. Forgive me as I seek to improve and grow in faith and love. 

***

Ask Jesus to grant you a Love like a purifying furnace, where your poor flesh--your poor heart--may be consumed and cleansed of all earthly miseries. Pray that it may be emptied of self and filled with him. Ask him to grant you a deep-seated aversion to all that is worldly so that you may be sustained only by love.

St. Josemaria Escriva, Furrow, 814

Graduating High School

4/27/2005

God, I love you so much. Lately, I have been receiving awards and scholarships for all the work I've put in during my years in high school and I know I owe that to God. Though so amazingly happy with PV at my side, I feel strangely discontented and restless, as though I should be doing something more, something better or more productive. I figure this is the Holy Spirit pressuring me always to use my energies to benefit the people around me and not fall victim to laziness. 

PV and I have been together for two months now. Though the initial feeling of excitement and adventure have long since past, I still feel in a state of euphoria as though my reality is distorted in my favor.  I have no complaints. However, I hope that PV continues to love me. I trust that she does, but sometimes I feel so horrible for some of the things I do, and I feel as though no one could ever love me, but PV continues to love and support me without question and without hesitation.  She is, without a doubt, a special woman with specific plans laid out by God the Father in heaven. I love her so much, as I told her and quoted from the Bible, I love her as Christ loves the Church, and that is no lie.

***

You owe such a great debt to your Father-God! He has given you life, intelligence, will... He has given you his grace---the Holy Spirit;Jesus, in the Sacred  Host; divine sonship; the Blessed Virgin, the Mother of God and our Mother. He has given you the possibility of taking part int he Holy Mass; and he grants you forgiveness for your sins. He forgives you so many times. He has given you countless gifts, some of them quite extraordinary...

Tell me, my son: how have you corresponded so far to this generosity? How are you corresponding now?

St. Josemaria Escriva, The Forge, 11

Prom

4/22/2005

Tonight was PV's Prom, so PV and I went and had an amazing time. We danced, ate, kissed, hung out with friends, and chilled on the couch.  PV is the most beautiful, most intelligent girl I have ever met and I feel so blessed to have her with me at my side. Everything at prom was going fine until PV lost her bracelet. I feel totally responsible for it and I felt horrible because it happened once before.  I don't know. I just wish I didn't have that hanging over my head and I can't wait until she finds it, which I am almost sure she will. I love PV so much... Tuesday will be 2-months. Thank you God for your blessings upon us. I love you above all.

***

Sadness, depression. I'm not surprised: it's the cloud of dust raised by your fall. But... enough of it! Can't you see that the cloud has been borne far away by the breath of grace?

Moreover, your sadness---if you don't reject it---could very well be the cloak of pride. Did you really think yourself perfect and sinless?

St. Josemaria Escriva, The Way, 260

The Power of Speech

4/10/2005

I had a talk with RE tonight. She feels horrible because she doesn't have anyone and that I basically told her that she wasn't my friend. I tried to convince her that by looking inside of herself and finding God, she might have confidence in who she is and enjoy life that much more. However, I'm terrible at talking and getting my point across, if I had one wish it would be the power of speech, that people would respect me and respect what I have to say, that they might believe in me and turn to God, but, alas, I have no such talent and sometimes, I can only imagine I make things worse...

Me and PV, obviously, still together. I thank God for every moment we spend together, talking on the phone, or on the internet. She has brought me closer to Him and surely, only He could have given me such blessings.

***

Having the gift of tongues is knowing how to transmit the knowledge of God---an essential requisite for whoever is to be an apostle. That is why I ask God Our Lord each day to grant it to everyone of his sons and daughters.

St. Josemaria Escriva, Furrow, 899

To Be a Priest, Or Not To Be a Priest

4/5/2005

Once again, I've had aspirations to become a priest, one learned in his ways but solely devoted to God the father. I know that deep down, becoming a priest would make me most happy because I have done God's will or because I will use the priesthood in order to balance out all the sins I've committed. The latter being a bad reason to join the priesthood.

Also, my tendencies to think about things and most of the time overthink really makes me wonder if I'm in fact at a disadvantage for being too analytical or critical of simple Catholic teaching.  Is it better to believe because that's what the Church teaches, or not believe because you've thought about it and reached a conclusion contrary to the popular one? You can think and believe at the same time, but one must come first.

I don't know. I really hope college will help make these things clearer for me.  Moreover, I'm trying to bridge the gap between our physical and spiritual natures. They are our two natures that I picture so separately but feel as though should be united in some way that is clear for all to see. I will continue to think about it just as I have thought about other things and I will reach a conclusion.  I can only hope it's in accordance with the teachings of the Church.

Here's how I stand on the issue currently:  provides that our bodies didn't exist, we would be a totally spiritual being, but naive and unknowing of reality. As a purely animalistic being, we would have no morals, only instinct. The world would become a nurtured chaos.  As both, we have serious obligations including being true to one's self while assisting in the development of other people's body and spirit, that without the body the spirit would die, and without the spirit the body will die. As morality is concerned, other people come first, that with God, we can support our spiritual selves while we nourish our physical selves with the bare minimum. So that we have the energy to bring people closer to God between a more gratifying union of body and spirit and the development of each in every person.  That one does not get into heaven by faith alone but by corporal works.

***

If you lose the supernatural meaning of your life, your charity will be philanthropy; your purity, decency; your mortification, stupidity; your discipline, a lash; and all your works, fruitless.

St. Josemaria Escriva, The Way, 280

VP Fails for the First Time

3/31/2005

I really wanted this journal to be a happy book, or that every entry would talk about how happy I am, but this [is] me, and my life, good and bad.  I screw up many times and every time I do, I hate myself and figure I am better off dead. I had figured that being with the girl I loved would change that... Perhaps it has, but I still mess up. Less frequently? Perhaps. Less intentionally? Perhaps, but I'm still a bad person with much about myself that needs to be forgiven. For years now, I have been plagued by my "illness." It is the only thing that brings me down on a consistent basis, but I'm still sick, twisted, and perverted... I say that I am happy but I never know if that's truly how I feel. Maybe if I wasn't so down, all the time, being happy would actually be "being happy."

But I do love PV a whole lot. We continue to talk for hours on the phone and every conversation is just so much fun. I always thought it would be work to keep a girlfriend... to call them, to buy them gifts... but I find this relationship to be the opposite of work. When I want to procrastinate, I call PV. When I feel really sad, I call PV. When I feel really happy, I call PV. When I want to talk to PV, I call PV. Though it is a love based in the love I have for God---I would die for God before I die for PV---I feel a strong connection between the two of us that is more real than any love I have experienced before. When I speak of true love for the rest of my life, I will use our love as an example. There is no trying, testing, we don't have to talk, or fight, because we know the other person will love them always, and I do, I love PV very much.

***

Do not be ashamed to discover in your heart the fomes peccati---the inclination to evil, which will be with you as long as you live, for noody is free from this burden.

Do not be ashamed, for the all-powerful and merciful Lord has given us all the means we need for overcoming this inclination: the Sacraments, a life of piety, and sanctified work.

Persevere in using these means, ever ready to begin again and again without getting discouraged.

St. Josemaria Escriva, The Forge, 119

Unanonymous

3/30/2005

There is possibly no greater feeling here on this earth than achieving a goal you have set your heart on and worked at for so long. With my service organization's convention this Friday, I feel as though I'm as ready as I'll ever be, and this makes me not so stressed and very happy. Every day that I spend time with PV, or just talk to her, I feel as though I have become a better, happier person, to which there is no limit. Though the Lord Jesus Christ is my Savior, PV, for me, has become the vessel through which God works his miracles. Whenever I'm with her and her family, I see how much time and love she puts into each relationship: with her parents and her siblings, especially her youngest brother. He is already an amazing little kid and will grow up to be a great young man, with much credit to be given to PV.

With the end of school fast approaching and college just around the corner, I hope I can really establish a name for myself, and leave a mark on the places I have been, like my high school, the service organization, my friends. Though I believe in everlasting life, the life of the soul, knowing that I bettered something, knowing that my memory will live on, even long after I'm gone gives me great joy. I am not a great person, but when people hear my name, I hope they remember the things I did for the community, the people I've touched along the way. I love my God for all that he has done for me and continues to do for me. As I have vowed, I will live my life for Him, one way or the other. Priest or married, I will serve Him and His people.

***

You can do so much good, and yet also so much harm!

You will do good if you are humble and you give yourself cheerfully, with a spirit of sacrifice: good for yourself and for your fellowmen, and for that good Mother of yours, the Church.

But how much harm you will do if you allow yourself to be led by your pride.

St. Josemaria Escriva, The Forge, 935